Friday, August 31, 2012

You Deserve a Break (from truth) Today

Sliding hot across your Pinterest recently, like so many hamburgers into sesame seed buns, is a very long monstrosity of vertically stitched-together images. Though difficult to read via smartphone (stop creating 50x6849-sized images, people!) these images include little-known facts.   They're so little-known, in fact, that they're not proven. And when I say "not proven," I really mean to say "entirely untrue."

Take for example, this photo of documentarian Morgan Spurlock:

Let's do a little math, shall we?

Big Mac = 540 calories
The biggest Coke they sell = 310 calories
The biggest fries they sell = 500 calories
Total meal = 1350 calories.

Now, the trouble with calorie burning is that different bodies burn at different rates, and different people walk at different rates. But... let's say, for good measure, that it's a woman of average weight (per Web MD, it's 145ish) and she's walking at a pace of 3 miles an hour.

According to Health Status, in 7 hours of walking, she'd burn 2,010 calories.

1350 < 2010

Now, for heaven's sake, I don't advocate eating McDonald's. Gross. Nor do I advocate taking in 1350 calories in one sitting, especially if it's mostly sugar, beef tallow and pink slime. But I also don't advocate reaching deep into your rectum to produce facts at random.

Yet the pins keep rolling from pinner to pinner, obfuscating reality and reverse-educating those who perhaps should've paid the kind of attention to their studies that they currently pay to their scroll button.

And... Snopes says.....

FALSE, MOTHERFUCKERS!  Don't pin that shit on the cat. Yeah, we also know it was really YOU who pooped outside of the litter box yesterday.

Next up on the stitched-up conglomeration of nincompoopery... it gets even... truthier.

... what?  They think.... what the... what?  I don't even have words.  Neither does Snopes. Some things are too ridiculous to even be disproved.  Oh, wait, no.  I know EXACTLY how I'd like to prove it.  I'd like to find the person who created this meme, and poke them in the right eye. 

I simply don't advocate makin' shit up. Unless it's to entertain or mock. Then, by all means, let's make shit up.  For instance...

In the name of all that's true, pin it on, my friend.  Pin it on.